mom in vanhattan

A letter to all the Wonder Women

I have gone back and forth whether or not to open up about this and if I did, how would I say it?! After thinking long and hard, I decided that silence can be deadly and its when we are brave we can move mountains. In my case,  I don’t think I will move mountains with this article since I started this blog only a short time ago and don’t have a large audience but if I can help at least one women reading this then this would be worth it.  In the season of Halloween, I dreamed up a photoshoot with my two babies that would symbolize motherhood. We are all fighting our biggest battles to give our children the best life possible and will come across many difficult bridges and ride some BIG emotional rollercoasters while we do it.  Do we look like these photos everyday…. heck no! Who can manage that? This took a make up artist, some curling iron time, some flattering lighting, a talented husband and two ADORABLE boys to make it happen. My classic look is the mama up-do which needs to be washed and combed with yesterday’s makeup forming a 5 o’clock shadow from last nights battle royal trying to put (and keep!) my two kids in bed… whoop whoop sexy isn’t it lol!

Before I lay my heart on the line and bring myself to a very vulnerable place I want to make one thing clear – As a mother I am writing this from a mother’s stand point but this message goes out to all men and women. There are so many of us that are dealing with mental health, depression and anxiety. More than ever it seems, life is on-the-go all-the-time – with an app for everything and anything you can think of, they need an app just to simplify and slow things down! I chose to write this blog as I have risen out of a pretty dark place in my life and have learned to take care of myself. I can’t possibly write this blog to even crack open the surface of what it feels like to go through what I did, but I will do my best to shine some light to it.  This is a long one and if you read to the end then I applaud you! Grab a cup of tea and snuggle up!
Just short of a year and a half ago, I passed out while crossing my son’s Preschool Playground. As soon as I could see again, I felt shame and embarrassment as I lay down inside the portable while other mothers and fathers watched my children. One of Jaxon’s teachers asked me if she could drive me to the hospital but I assured her that I was fine and took off to the clinic. It was there that I passed out again while having my blood pressure taken, which alarmed the doctor as my blood pressure was reading at a coma level. He took my pressure two more times because he couldn’t believe what he was reading. My husband was called immediately to come and drive me to the emergency. I remember feeling so weak and my sight was terrible. The prognosis of my stay was severe dehydration and after a few hours of saline, I was sent home.
Things settled as I told my family with a laugh that I have no idea how that happened.. it must have been so hot outside and I was forgetting to drink water…. so we all moved on. A month later, it happened again but this time I could not get out of bed.  I thought I had the flu as my body hurt so much and my mouth was so dry it was hard to muster in a few words.  My hubby took me back to the hospital where again the prognosis was server dehydration and again given saline to recover.  I was so embarrassed.  Here I was a strong mother and wife who takes care of her family every day but some how I was failing…. my husband was so upset that I was treating myself this way and allowing myself to get this bad.  I was not opening up about what was going on.  I would just cry and shake but could not put into words what was going on.  God forbid anyone see’s me as weak.
 
You see I started a business 6 years ago (at the same time my first son was born) that I have put my heart, sweat and soul into while raising two boys. Before I became a mom I was the perfect parent. I had the mom thing figured out and thought that it was easy! Just make sure you do this, this and that and you wont run into any problems…. boy was I ever naive. I became a mom at 25 years old and had no clue what I was in for.  My first born came into this world crying and for the next 3 months he would not stop.  This is when I learned what a colicky baby was and within no time spiralled into postpartum depression.  I loved my child beyond words and felt so blessed he was mine but hated being a parent at times. I could not get this perfect mom picture out of my head and felt like I could never live up to that impossible image.  I would look at other moms who seemed to have it all together and wonder what was wrong with me?
So I covered it up and moved on.  Besides, it wasn’t about me anymore, right?!  As my business boomed I was unbelievably thankful but as a one-women business, I was drowning in work.  Again, telling myself “Get over yourself and get to work… its those who work hard that reap the rewards”.  I would stay up till 3-4am every night and then wake bright and early to my babies cry’s who could not wait to see his mommy.  For the next 4 years I would drive through the exhaustion and think to myself… I think I got this!  I can do it all!  I can raise my child full time (eventually children once Luke was born) and run a full time business…. yes I am so tired, but I was managing!
NO!  Eventually it caught up to me.  I would notice I was holding my breath when I was editing, falling asleep at my desk to then wake up suddenly but then kept going, drinking more coffee then food in a day and I no longer felt like me! I was negative, snapping at my family and looked like a ghost.  After the two wake up calls in the hospital and a very healthy conversation with my husband and family, we realized that I needed support.  Things settled again for a while and life was back to feeling steady and in control.  In January while driving my son to an appointment I nearly passed out at the wheel. Thankfully I started feeling the signs of this coming on (dizzy, sweaty palms and fuzzy vision) so I took the first right turn and parked my vehicle.  This is where it finally hit me… I was going to kill myself or someone else if I didn’t do something.  I called my husband and he had my father in law pick us up. After speaking with my doctor and then going to a heart specialist for a few months I realized I had all the answers but was not willing to admit them as I was ashamed.
In order to get everything done to this level of “Perfect” that I had in my head, I was losing hours of sleep and not eating. Every morning I would crawl out of bed which turned into a sprint out the door as I was over sleeping from being up all night and managed just enough time to feed my children and make them lunches for the day forgetting about myself. I would skip breakfast but pick up a coffee on my way back to work and fill up on coffee for the morning.  I would not get out of my seat for the entire day unless I needed a bathroom break so that I could finish as much work as I possibly could.  As 2:30pm neared, I would get up run out the door grabbing a yogurt as I passed by the fridge.  I am not anorexic nor did I have a body dysmorphia but you could have easily called me one and I know that’s why I was in denial.
Wake up time….
My husband and I both knew I could not continue living the way I was and as a team including my best friend and my family, I started taking photos of the lunch I had made for myself to show them I was feeding myself and taking breaks. I took a month off work and made sure I was going to bed at an appropriate time.  This little bit of effort quickly brought me back to myself and brought me great joy.  With little steps along the way I am so happy to say that I am 100% back to the old me. The happier positive me that is kind to myself and enjoys fuelling my body with wholesome foods, getting 8+ hours of sleep every night (well most nights ;)) and I know that when I start feeling the anxiety creeping up I talk to my tribe of cheerleaders. We all need them!  I now take a me day every once in a while where I will take a full day off when the boys are at school/daycare and treat myself to a massage, shop or just plain sleep! NO guilt allowed!
Have I got it all figure out? Oh heavens no, but I do my best to listen to my body now and to put myself first because guess what? With doing that I am actually putting my family first.  Everyone is happy and I enjoy being a mom finally. Yep its a hard job and I have so sooooo much to learn but its become a fun learning curve and I no longer tell myself to stay up and get work done… it can wait. I know that in writing this, I can move forward. That little voice is still there even as I write this blog telling me that I will be judged but I don’t care! I am not perfect and never will be. Do I feel like Wonder Woman…. yep you bet. I look at all mamas this way now. We are all walking very different roads but when it all boils down, we are amazing wonder woman who can carry out homes above our heads (figuratively of course) and make sure our family feels nothing short of love. There are some nights that we have peanut butter sandwiches for dinner or where I am way to tried to brush my children’s teeth (shhh don’t tell out dentist ;)) and though some might frown upon that…. most likely not a mom… that is just life and if they are healthy, clean, fed and happy I have done a perfect job in my books whether or not it looks perfect like that image I made up.
If you are still here reading this then I cant thank you enough for hearing my story and if you are suffering from depression or anxiety then please find your person and share with them your fears. Be brave and take a step toward a brighter future for yourself. Sending you BIG HUGS!

Comments

    • Thank you so much Hun! The amount that you have endured in your life over this past year makes you one of the strongest, bravest women I know. Love you so much! xo

  2. Oh girl, love you so much and SO proud of you for putting your heart out there and sharing this 🙂
    You are an inspiration and are helping to create an environment of unity, support, and understanding amongst all the mamas out there. Well done my friend <3

    • As soon as I hit reply to write back to your comment, tears welled up in my eyes. You have been the BIGGEST cheerleader and supporter a girl could ever dream of. I cannot thank you enough for always checking in on me to make sure I was taking care of me and asking me “what have you eaten today?”. You kept me on my toes to make sure I was remembering the simplest details in a day that most would think should be a no brainer. You are like family to me and I am so lucky for that too! Love you babe! x

      • Well … despite being short on time, I decided to read this blog .. because I adore Melissa and I knew this would be worthwhile. I read to the end – WOW WOW WOW AND WOW WOW WOW AGAIN ????? I salute you Brandie, and am so glad you have found perspective and balance – and by the way, you could take up modeling, you are so beautiful ?????You sound like a PERFECT wife, mother and friend – just don’t forget to be a perfect FRIEND TO YOURSELF. Well done on being so transparent- your blog will inspire other mothers, I have no doubt about that. Wishing you well in every way. Lots and lots of lots xxxx

        • Wow Sandy! THANK YOU! That made my day and made me tear up a little! You have such a kind heart! I too adore Melissa! She is my other half besides my hubby and boys hehe!

  3. This is the most amazing, inspiring article I have read in awhile and the best part of it… the SUPERWOMAN writing it is my amazing, beautiful, talented best friend Brandie! I can’t even tell you how inspiring you are and THANK you for sharing this. You are amazing!

    • Dasha thank you so much for always lifting me up! You are such an inspiring woman and I am forever grateful to call you one of my best friends!!!!!

  4. Hey B ❤️
    Thanks for writing this, I really needed to hear it! I keep taking on more and more and have totally let my self care fly out the window. I was getting acupuncture, massage, watching sunsets on the beach… now I’m doing a million things, I’m tired, and seem to have lost a lot of my joy.
    I will heed your advice and take care of myself first so I can be better for others and my baby (my artwork).
    Looking forward to hearing more you amazing mamasita xo

    • Hayley! You are such an incredible artist and I am so happy to have helped with my message. I totally understand the artist burn out and its so important to take care of our bodies and souls so we can flourish 🙂 Love you girl!!!! x

  5. You are an amazing women and I’m proud to call you my daughter. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world and you have been raising your sons with patience, love and understanding! As a parent, when your children get to adulthood and they are still alive….lol, you look back and can reflect on the job you did raising them. I am so thankful and feel so blessed that my two daughters have grown up to become amazing women, wives and mothers! There were many tough times that I too struggled to be the perfect mother, wife and professional, and have now successfully made it to my new role as grandmother! Thank you for sharing your struggles and may it touch many hearts so they too will re-evaluate their lives and take the time to look after themselves so they can be there for the ones that need them the most…their children! Love you Boo!

  6. Thank you for sharing this ❤ I would’ve never known! I thought of you as one of those perfect, put together moms and I’ve also struggled in the last year so it helps when knowing we’re not alone… you’re an inspiration and definitely a wonder woman!

    • Wow thank you Chantel! We all think this of each other, which is wonderful but can leave us all feeling inadequate and less then great. My hopes with this blog is to be real about life as a women, wife and mom. With perfect social media content everywhere and know one speaking out about the reality of life, its can leave us feeling pressure to be bigger and better when in reality, we already have it all and have so much to be thankful for 🙂 x

  7. So proud of you for stepping outside your comfort zone and sharing the truth! The reality is we can’t do it all; self care along with the support from your family and friends is the only way to navigate this stage of life in a healthy way. Glad you have finally found your happy (healthy) place!! xoxox

  9. I finally took the time to read this and it is wonderful, just like you! I have been down a very similar road and it is tough to say the least. The important thing is recognizing we are not meant to do it all. Do what you can and that is enough. Like you said, your children and fed, clean healthy and most importantly have a strong mother who wants to be happy and healthy for them. That’s all any kid wants or needs. Good for you for being open and sharing your experience. I think every mother can relate in one way or another. You are a wonder woman and you got this!! Keep going momma!

    • Wow Thank you so much Brynna!!!! Your words meant so much to read! I am sure we are not the only moms who have been down this scary, lonely road. I believe the more transparent we can be the better we can help others! xoxo

  10. Thank you so much for sharing your story& being so open. Wishing you a healthy & Happy New Year Brandie.

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