Forever the queen of my castle and the truth to being a boy mom

I am going to take you through my journey becoming a boy mom and I am going to be raw and real. If you had told me that I would never have a daughter in my life before having my three boys I would have cried a bloody river. Ever since I was 11, I have dreamed of this life where I had all daughters. Daughters to have tea parties with, go shopping together and have spa parties. I wanted a daughter for so many reasons why women want daughters.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I felt like I was going to have a girl because this is all I have ever known coming from a family of three girls. Up until the final weeks I started getting the feeling that I was carrying a boy and I became worried I was right. When my first little boy was born, something inside me completely shifted. He was absolutely perfect and I was so in love. I thought how cool it is to have a big brother for the little girl I would have later on.

Fast forward 3.5 years and my second son was born. This time I was 100% ready to have either a girl or boy as I now learned how sensitive and loving my little boy was and I was thrilled to give Jaxon a baby brother. I looked at my hubby as soon as I discovered those boy bits and said…baby number three is a must now lol…. and over the next 4 years I would eventually convince him that we should grow our little nest with my last pair of little feet.

I was told by so many people that they feel (energy, senses, or by the way I was carrying) I was having a girl. Even my hubby was convinced this little one would be a daughter for him. I was last in line out of 7 friends and family who were due all in a row and once each one had given birth to a girl I started thinking the chances had to be so slim that mine would also be a girl. One week before I gave birth to Leo, I had that gender dream that so many mom’s have and in this dream I couldn’t keep my baby’s diaper dry and clean. When I took off babies diaper there they were…balls! I woke up and called my mom crying. I felt this twinge in my heart that I was having another boy and felt so disappointed and jealous of everyone else around me having girls. I felt ashamed for feeling this way. I mean aren’t we just supposed to want a healthy baby after all.?

On January 21, 2019 when our third son was born I was pleasantly surprised to feel no sadness at all around the little girl I didn’t have. I had thought threw the entire nine months…what if I’m devastated? Not devastated to have another amazing boy but devastated that I will never be a mom to a girl. A mom who can play tea parties and teach my daughter how to apply nail polish or lipstick or take out for pedicures or shopping dates? The second Leo was brought close to me I scooped him up from my midwife saw the boy bits and screamed omg he is the most perfect angel. I love him so much. He is perfect. Later in the week as my feelings had some time to air. I thought that number four may now be in the future. I mean I just had to have that girl I have dreamed of for so many years. My husband reminded me that we had chatted about three children being the perfect number for us and that we are done with this chapter in our love story. My heart sank. I knew he was right but it still stung. I was over the moon in love with my three boys and again wouldn’t change Leo for the world but to think I wouldn’t have a girl….just not right!

Then something amazing happened. It was a quiet day and the older boys were at school when I looked at Leo and suddenly felt this peace of mind that this was my perfect happily ever after. That a little trio of boys suited me and suddenly this longing for a girl disappeared. Over and over I have had moments were my heart is so at peace being a boy mom and now can’t believe that I was crying over this very thing just weeks before.

I have had to stand up for my little boy tribe often as I have gotten that look when I tell strangers that I have three boys. This look is the look as to say ” Holy lady….good luck…your hands are forever going to be very very full and busy!”. I also get the question if we will try a forth time for a girl. Honestly even if we tried… I am almost certain my hubby’s swimmers are all male LoL.

As one friend has put this very well…I will forever be the queen of my castle and she is so right! Thanks Felicity 🙂 my boys have shown me love like I have never felt. They are kind, honest, silly, quirky, smart little boys who make James and I so proud. I have learned to smile at those strangers that give me the good luck look and laugh alongside them and tell them that yes it can be chaos at times but it’s beautiful chaos.

So here is where I will leave this post off. Gender disappointment sounds terrible but it’s a real thing that so many women and men experience that get one gender instead of the “million dollar” family of a boy and girl. I have learned that my husband was right to wait till our children were born to find out their genders. If I had of found out before, I would have had this sinking feeling of sadness instead of the extreme joy I had when I met each of my sweet boys. I have also learned that it’s pretty damn sweet being adored each day by my boys and how special it is that they get to grow up having all the boy adventures they can dream up together. Lego clutters our floors, I find nerf amo in my bed and farts and bathroom talk is a 24 hour favourite pastime of sillies. Growing big muscles to finding rocks collected days earlier on our walks lining my dryer are all the little parts that make my world uniquely mine but also shared upon all those other amazing strong mothers of boys. So cheers to all the boy mamas and cheers to all the girl mamas. Heck cheers to all the mamas!!! Love to you all!